The past few months have consisted of so much background work. We have been undergoing a lot of research and paperwork regarding a non-profit status with the IRS. We’ve purchased domains and web-hosting, we’ve been recruiting other laborers for the upcoming trips to the DRC and Andrew particularly has put so much effort into a successful Golf Tournament. We are still in need of players, who will participate in the tournament. At times, it seems as if the work is in vain. It seems as if we’ve exhausted the resources we have and no one else seems to care. The enemy often puts doubts and fears into our minds. But constantly, we are reminded that if this were an easy task, than everyone we would be doing it. That God’s plan is a process which requires more faith than what we can offer in our own strength.
These months have been a time of great humbling as we constantly realize how much bigger than us, this is. My words can’t even describe the sobering feeling that remains inside of me almost every moment of everyday. It’s almost a dangerous feeling, if it remains without constant watering of the Word of God and time in prayer. If I allow myself to sit in bed too long and just think, I’m overcome with worry and deep guilt and even resentment. My life consists of constant walking without seeing and learning to breathe faith, more than ever learning not see with my natural senses.
A constant struggle surrounds me, as a deep yearning stirs inside of me, His dreams burn in my heart and are burning out all the hidden insecurities and imperfections that remained. I don’t know what God is doing, but it’s something we can’t see. Andrew and I know that we are walking in a place of testing. A testing of faithfulness and discipline. I have to admit, we’ve failed at times. But after repenting for our own shortcomings, it’s a test of belief. Belief in God’s mercy. . . His grace, the unmerited favor that abides on us when we abide in Him.
But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9